The other day I had a conversation that left me reeling. Not because it was exceedingly ignorant (which it was) or infuriating (which it was), but because I'd had this conversation before, almost verbatim.
The conversation, for the record, was about the need for gender-neutral pronouns after reading the excellent Dogs and Smurfs article by Max Barry. Someone disagreed with the necessity, arguing "he" is a perfectly acceptable gender-neutral pronoun. Others disagreed. The conversation went quickly downhill, and ended in the other party packing up his toys and going home.
As I said, this conversation happened to me before. Was it always about pronouns? No. It was about unisex public toilets, or funding for AIDS programs, or the lack of female role models in the media for little girls, or abortion, or same-sex marriage, or street harassment, or rape culture, or the current Prime Minister of Canada. Every time, though, the other party pretty much went through the same motions.
The pattern goes something like this:
Un-Privileged Person (UP): [Something] is a direct result of privilege, and should be changed.
Privileged Person (PP): I don't have that experience, so I don't think it exists.
UP: But that's how privilege works — if you're privileged, it's hard to see it. I'm asking you to consider that.
PP: I can see how you'd think that, but no, I don't think it's true, and neither do other privileged people, so we shouldn't change anything.
UP: That makes you sound like a bigot.
PP: You're taking this personally, and ruining the constructive atmosphere. Discussion over.
I hate these conversations. The other person isn't interested in changing their opinion, and frankly, neither am I, so I don't know why I do it. I suppose I look for that golden day when someone finally says "Huh, you know, you may be right, so I'm going to go home and think about things for a while", even though that hasn't happened to me since, oh, the year 2000 or so.
I also hate them because they've turned me into the sort of person who uses the word "privilege". When I first ran across it on the Internet, the word got my hackles up — not because I disagreed, but because it's so overused (like "paradigm" or "dichotomy" in university). Unfortunately, the more I have these conversations the more I realize there is no other way to describe what's happening.
To make myself feel better (after calling my friends and indulging in a bit of intellectual circle-jerking to reassure myself I'm not insane), I sat down and made a Sexism Discussion Bingo Card. This would work equally well with Racism, Homophobia, Classism, or pretty much any other conversation in which privilege plays a part. Just replace "sexism" with your "ism" of choice.
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“It’s not a problem for me, so it shouldn’t be a problem for anyone else” |
“You’re taking this too personally” |
“Lots of men agree with me that there’s no problem” |
"I don't hate women. I just don't see why they need [x]" |
|
“I have opinions I know other people think are sexist, but I’m not sexist” |
“Calling me sexist actually makes YOU sexist” |
“You’re biased” |
“My anecdotal experience outweighs your facts” |
|
“I’ve never had that experience, so I don’t believe it exists” |
“It's always been this way, so it's arrogant to say we should change” |
"Sexism no longer exists" |
“Pointing out my privilege is reverse sexism” |
|
“You should examine your own prejudice against men” |
“You only see sexism because you want to see it” |
“You shouldn’t force people to change just to suit your own needs” |
“Let me explain how being a woman makes you wrong” |
Got any more? Add some in comments! I wish this were an exhaustive list.
(PS – Anyone who wants to argue with me about the need for gender-neutral pronouns, please check this bingo card. If any of your points match, I'd rather not.)
(PPS – Anyone who wants to make a "butthurt female overreaction" bingo card, feel free. This is a free society, after all.)
